three o'clock and i'm still awake
tryin' to decide what's real what's fake
heartache, highstakes; that's what's real
and all you have to say is how i feel
i think it's surreal how you try and conceal
your love for me but you can't even see the emotional debris
as i look in your eyes and see the sun rise, blue skies
but there's too many lies, not enough truth
not enough wisdom in all this youth
that's immature, careless, and uncouth
but i keep on acting like it's all okay
as i silently weigh choices everyday
if you just walked the talk it'd be a shock although sure to unlock
this weight from my neck, it'd stack the deck
in my favor instead of this bittersweet flavor
i'd be closer instead of this distant behavior
but i'm about to say "forget it," "i quit"
i cant ever have or even get
a lucky break, just just more pain in the wake of another mistake
time after time, as i try to climb to peak sublime
but i arrive at mount doom, it'll be my tomb
as i wait for this one flower to bloom.

This month. Has been. In. Sane.
Most recently; I bought a DSi. The day after, my phone broke. So I ended up spending a bunch on the DSi and then having to spend a bunch more on a new phone. So now I'm not gonna be able to pay off my credit card right away, so I'm cringing cause of the late payment fees. I'll be pretty much broke after that payment, and I don't get my next paycheck until Monday. Hopefully it'll be pretty good, because that'll hafta cover rent and all my other bills, as well as food.
On top of that, this girl situation is killing me. I'm either hot or cold. On or off. There's no middle ground with me. I'm either very passionate or not at all. So while this girl is trying to figure things out, I hafta play the middle ground, cause I don't want to rush her or get into something too soon, but I really (really...really...) like her, so I want to have commitment and something real. But it's all so confusing. I miss having people to talk to about stuff like this.
Heh, I had pretty much given up that I'd find someone I could trust and love and care for that much. I talked myself out of a couple girls who were really into me, broke their hearts. Wasn't fair to them because I was just scared of getting hurt. And now that I've finally found someone worth opening up to, it's not working out like I hoped. So it just kills me inside. I don't really know how long I can last doing this. I'm getting so tired.... Emotionally I'm passed out on the floor. Spiritually I'm crawling along on my hands and knees. I was finally at a place in my life where I wasn't craving the feeling of love and I was fine with that... And then this girl just appears and messes everything up in the most horrible, incredible way. I'm definitely falling for her more every day, but if things don't change soon, I think I'll start piling my armor back on. I've already started. A little piece here and there..
Money and this girl... The two biggest stresses in my life right now. Well money I just don't care. I just need it. I'm trying to sell my DSi and stuff to make up for the phone cost and to cover my credit card bill. But no one wants to buy one for some reason. I just wanna go live in the woods.

One of my friends told me that I shouldn't have low standards, but I shouldn't set my standards so high that they're impossible.
Here's what I'm looking for in a girl:
-A strong Christian woman who's more-or-less stable
-Someone who can encourage me in what I do
-Someone who's passionate
-Someone who's willing to chase me
-Someone who can appreciate who I am, cause I don't pretend to be anyone else. I'm me. I'm a gentleman, I'm a Christian, I'm passionate about the people I love, and I care deeply. Respect is one of my biggest attributes.
But it's really difficult to find a girl who can appreciate that, apparantly.

Well that's not true, there was one girl. I messed everything up with her. I still wasn't fully healed after my ex, and still hurting a lot. So things didn't work. I pushed her away because I thought I'd get hurt.

But with this new girl, I've gotten past all the second-guessing and doubts. I'm commited but I'm just waiting for her, and it's killing me. I'm really not sure how she sees me. I know she really likes me, but how so? I feel like if I wasn't around, it'd be some other guy. Wouldn't matter if he was a complete jerk, she'd still be with someone if they liked her. And because I'm the nicest guy nearby, she latched onto me. But I want her to appreciate me for me, not just because I'm a good emotional crutch or because I'm the closet caring guy. But because she actually likes me because I'm awesome.

And I know I'm awesome. I'm not the best, but for someone out there, maybe I am. But I can't find her. I gave up looking though, and this girl appears. So I just don't know what to do anymore.

This last week has been the most stressful since I moved out.

Taxes were due as well, which put my back another $150, cause I owe this year. The DSi was another $150, and the phone was $220. So this month is gonna be really close. (If anyone wants to buy a DSi, let me know). So my dad's been bugging me about taxes all last week, my bank account is shrinking, and my heart's been fucked up so much I don't know if I can last another day. It's just been turned upside down so many times by so many people.

But what can I do? Do I just shuffle through another day? Just 'get by'? No, I want to overcome and improve. But picking yourself up off the ground gets tiring. And when you're out of reasons to do so, it makes it even harder.

It gets even more complicated...


Just when you run out of hope, another door opens. But making the choice to go through that door is the toughest decision ever.
What if there's another door that you haven't seen yet.
What if the door leads somewhere you don't want to go.
What if you go for that door, and it closes before you get there.

Maybe I think about things too much. But this is really stressing me out.

I wish I could say what I need to say. But I don't know how it would change things. If it'd be for the better or worse.

I just don't even know anymore.

But life goes on. As much as we hate it, life goes on.

But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I could have a chance of being happy again. But it also has the potential for being terrible. So I don't know what to do. It could be great. It could be horrible. That's what every single decision comes down to. Which option is less painful. Which option has the best reward vs. risk ratio. This decision is too close to tell so far. I dunno if I can figure this out by myself. But there's no one else to really talk to. So I'll just keep pretending it's all okay.

Fuck this shit.

Just when you think there won't be any hope, a tiny glimmer will shine through. When you go for it, it goes out right before you get to it. Leaving you even more confused and without hope.

If you don't have any expectations, then you can never be disappointed. I think that's what I'll start believing. Well, it's what I kinda have started to believe. Just don't give a shit and things will work out.